Thinking of a way to change

Life's Tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.-
Benjamin Franklin

A week back from a wonderful beach vacation with Josh and his family and I am in full work mode. Already stressed a bit, it's hard to believe that one week of complete relaxation followed by a week of work can spin you back into a cycle of unhealthy angst. I feel different this week...I have been very somber and pensive...almost reflective in many areas of my life. Not sure where it is coming from...perhaps a mid-year self evaluation....but nevertheless..it is indeed occurring. It is hard to explain to others around me what I am thinking, feeling, sensing or even embracing in each of my thoughts. I am all over the place.

I think it is fair to say I have always been a thinker. Some would argue and say that I am more of a worrier and in fairness I am that too. But I do a lot of thinking as well. Sometimes I tend to think of ideas, new ways to do things and the thoughts sometimes come at the most random of times. For example I can be standing at the check out line and be thinking of ways that my job could be more efficient or I could be eating and wondering if the food could have been prepared a different way. My mind is always on. Always. This is probably why I never sleep well and I am usually engaged in another conversation in my head when someone is talking to me. Weird I know....but we all have our quirks I guess.

Lately, however my thinking and my thoughts are more focused. I am very driven in my life and my purpose. I suppose we all cross these bridges at some point (me more frequently than others I assume), but why and what are we really supposed to do with them. For me I seem very centered around the issues of the world. I am troubled by the state of the economy and how close it continues to effect my family and friends. I worry (yes...that word is evil I know) daily if this country is strong enough to heal itself or will we live through another depression like our grandparents. I think about my role in the world now as a 32 year old woman and if I should be doing more to make it better, healthier, more godly and if so....where do I start? I think sometimes that the role for me now is much different for me than it was ten years ago....but do I know what it is? So much thinking and little doing.

When I returned from my vacation last week, I realized that I have to start doing things differently. Time is precious and if I am going to do anything with my "thinking".....I better get going. So in the last few days I have been praying more than usual. I know that sounds funny...as if my prayers will somehow "fax" me down an instruction sheet on what to next....but I am hoping they will at least give me strength and courage. I am seeking grace and guidance for the things that I have wanted to do. I sense that I have a purpose...as does everyone I suppose....but I have felt more than ever that I am being tugged to search and fulfill that purpose now. I am not sure where, when or how I will discover mine, but I know that I am now ready to begin to look for it.

A dear friend of mine told me this week that I have a knack for wanting to help and fix all of the problems around me....but most of the time they are not mine to fix. The good thing is that I had the intention. That made me feel good and assured. I believe there are areas of life that I can heal, assist, learn, love, and mend I just need to discover what they are. I may not be the one to fix the economy, cure cancer, or bring peace to the middle east....but I may be the one who can bring a change to just one person. And that is enough for me. So as I continue to struggle each day on where my next step in life will take me....I will continue to trust that I am ready.



JAR